How to Help Someone Who is Grieving: Understanding Loss, Empathetic Support, and 10 Things NOT to Say
Summary
Grief is broadly defined as the feeling experienced after any significant loss, extending far beyond the death of a person. It encompasses losses in health (e.g., progressive illness, disability), mental health (e.g., depression, relapse), dreams, hopes, worldview, freedoms (e.g., quarantine, incarceration), jobs, and relationships (e.g., divorce, betrayal, retirement). The podcast introduces "anticipatory grief," felt about an impending loss like a terminal diagnosis or empty nest, and "disenfranchised grief," where one's grief or grieving process is not supported or validated by society. Recognizing the wide spectrum of what can be grieved is crucial for effective support.
Losses often trigger "secondary losses," where one loss cascades into others. For instance, losing health might mean losing hobbies and subsequently altering friendships. The shattering of dreams can sap motivation and direction, while losing a spouse can lead to the loss of in-laws, mutual friends, or even pets. Job loss can result in a loss of colleagues, purpose, and daily structure. The grieving process is commonly understood through five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—but the host emphasizes that this is not a linear progression; individuals often vacillate between stages, and the duration of grief is highly personal. Anger is framed as a natural threat response to something important being taken away, and depression as a sense of hopelessness when recognizing the permanence of the loss.
Supporting a grieving person requires acknowledging their "rights" to control, truth, dignity, and autonomy in their process. This includes the right to know what happened, ask questions, see the lost person/place, be heard without judgment, not be strong, disagree with others' perceptions, talk or not talk about the loss as needed, grieve in their own way (as long as it's not harmful), feel all feelings (including happiness or relief, and associated guilt), and experience "grief bursts." Crucially, supporters should avoid trying to "cheer up" or "fix" the grieving person, instead offering to sit with them in their pain and letting the grieving individual guide the support process.
The episode highlights "10 things not to say" to a grieving person, such as "time heals all wounds," "find a new normal," "at least he lived a good life," "it was just a blank," "you can get another one," "at least you still have your mom," "there's a reason for everything," "it was just his time," "it's time to move on," and "he/she tried to hang on until you got here." These phrases are often invalidating, dismissive, or guilt-inducing. Instead, the podcast recommends asking rather than assuming, expressing empathy ("I don't know how you're feeling, but I care"), offering specific help (e.g., "Would you like me to bring food?"), and respecting their need for space or company. It also touches on Prolonged Grief Disorder (DSM-5TR) as a clinical recognition of significant impairment after a year, emphasizing that while there's no timetable for grief, support can help individuals resume basic functioning.
Key Quotes
"grief is a feeling you experience after a loss it's so much more than that"
"anticipatory grief is what you feel about an impending loss"
"disenfranchised grief is when your grief about whatever it is or the way you are grieving is not supported by larger society"
"many people bounce back and forth between anger and depression for a while"
"people have the right to not be strong"
"we need to let them tell us let the grieving person be the guide and be willing to sit with them in their grief"
"grief bursts are just like what they sound going from a period of being okay or content whatever word you want to use to all of a sudden having this wave of grief hit them and feel completely bowled over by it"
"ask don't assume instead of saying i know how that feels say i don't know how you're feeling right now but please know that i care and i'm only a phone call away"
"there is no timetable on grief"
"being supportive means expressing empathy and listening more than talking"
Concepts
Themes
- The expansive definition of loss and grief
- The individuality and non-linearity of the grieving process
- The critical role of empathetic and non-judgmental support
- The invalidating nature of common comforting clichés
- Empowering the grieving person's agency and control
- The psychological impact of significant life transitions
- Societal expectations versus personal experience of mourning
Related to:
Psychology Insights
Clinical Recommendations
- Seeking professional help for Prolonged Grief Disorder if clinically significant impairment persists after a year.
- Validating all feelings, including happiness or relief, and associated guilt.
- Allowing the grieving person to guide their support process and express their needs.
Therapeutic Techniques
- Empathetic listening and non-directive questioning.
- Sitting with grief without trying to fix or cheer up the person.
- Helping individuals integrate loss into their life narrative.
Paradoxical Mechanisms
- Feeling relief or happiness amidst grief, and experiencing guilt for these positive emotions during mourning.
- The desire to be weak when societal or personal expectations push for strength.
- The non-linear nature of grief, where individuals may cycle through stages repeatedly.
Case Examples
- Loss of health (progressive illness, car accident, disability).
- Loss of mental health (depression, anxiety, PTSD, relapse).
- Loss of dreams (career, marriage, family).
- Loss of worldview (betrayal, unexpected events).
- Loss of freedoms (quarantine, incarceration).
- Loss of jobs (retirement, firing, layoff).
- Loss of pets, relationships (death, divorce, falling out).
- Empty nest syndrome.
- Miscarriage or stillbirth.
Research Mentioned
- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5TR) for the diagnosis of Prolonged Grief Disorder.
