What is a Deal Breaker: Distinguishing and Addressing Core Relationship Issues

This episode of Psych Hacks delves into the critical concept of "deal breakers" in relationships, distinguishing between behaviors that fundamentally threaten a relationship's existence and mere annoyances. Dr. Orion Taraban introduces the idea of "organic deal breakers" – behaviors that, if left unaddressed, will inevitably destroy the relationship, even if all other aspects are perfect. This distinction is crucial for understanding when and how to confront problematic behaviors within professional, romantic, or familial contexts.

The podcast uses alcoholism as a primary example of an organic deal breaker, explaining that an alcoholic is already in a primary relationship with alcohol, making a committed partnership impossible. The destruction caused by such a behavior stems from associated actions like lying, hiding, and the inherent chaos it brings. The recommended approach for dealing with an organic deal breaker is to act as an "advocate for the relationship" itself, framing the conversation not as a personal attack but as a defense of the shared bond against a destructive force.

Practical advice includes presenting the partner with a clear, free choice: either the relationship with you or the destructive behavior. The speaker emphasizes the necessity of being willing to accept the partner's decision, even if it means the relationship ends, acknowledging that both outcomes (recovery or separation) involve different kinds of pain. Conversely, for behaviors that are simply annoying but not relationship-destroying, the advice is to not bring them up if one is unwilling to take action, such as leaving the relationship.

Bringing up minor issues without a willingness to act is likened to complaining about food in a restaurant but refusing to send it back; it only serves to degrade the quality of the experience for everyone involved. The broader implication is that constant, unaddressed complaining about non-deal-breakers unnecessarily diminishes the quality of the relationship for the person who chooses to remain in it. The episode advocates for a clear, binary approach: either a behavior is a deal breaker requiring decisive action and a willingness to leave, or it's not, in which case one should work internally on their own issues with it rather than complaining externally.

Everyone is entitled to his or her deal breakers when it comes to relationships whether they're professional romantic or familial.

However some deal breakers are what i call organic deal breakers which are behaviors that if left unchecked will destroy the relationship all by itself even if everything else about the relationship is perfect.

It's not possible to be in a committed relationship with an alcoholic because the alcoholic is already in another relationship with alcohol.

I'm advocating on behalf of us on behalf of our relationship against this behavior and then you give the other person a free choice.

Do you want to have a relationship with me or do you want to keep your relationship with alcohol?

If you do you're just complaining and you're not willing to do anything about it.

If it's a problem be willing to make a change and this could mean sending the food back or leaving the restaurant entirely.

If you complain about things that aren't worth complaining about because you're not willing to do anything about them you degrade the quality of your relationship with that person.