The Fundamental Romantic Misunderstanding: Distinguishing True Attraction from Circumstantial Allure in Dating

This episode of Psychacks, hosted by Dr. O'Brien Taraban, delves into what he terms 'the fundamental romantic misunderstanding,' a common pitfall in dating where individuals mistake attraction driven by external circumstances for genuine attraction to a specific person. He explains that various situational factors can artificially inflate feelings of attraction, leading people to pursue relationships based on an illusion rather than a true connection with a partner's inherent qualities.

The podcast identifies several key circumstances that tend to increase attraction, whether consciously desired or not. These include rejection, obstruction, distance, unobtainability, uncertainty, mystery, and emotional polarization. Dr. Taraban emphasizes that these mechanisms are inherent to how attraction works, and when they conspire, they can dramatically heighten a person's perceived interest, making it difficult to discern the true source of one's feelings.

The core danger of this misunderstanding is that if one's attraction is primarily to the circumstances surrounding a person rather than the individual themselves, entering a relationship with that person can lead to significant problems. The speaker warns that individuals may find themselves in a relationship with someone they are not genuinely attracted to or even dislike, which can result in the creation of unnecessary drama to sustain the initial 'feeling' or ultimately lead to wasted time and a breakup.

To avoid this trap, Dr. Taraban strongly advises exercising careful discernment in the dating process. He recommends a crucial self-reflection: asking whether attraction stems from the other person's inherent virtues (such as beauty, humor, drive, or sweetness) or from external factors like unanswered texts, playing hard to get, or mixed signals. The practical insight is to look closely at the truth of one's attraction to ensure it is rooted in genuine appreciation for the individual, rather than a response to manipulative or circumstantial dynamics.

The fundamental romantic misunderstanding is that one's attraction due to circumstances has been mistaken for one's attraction for a specific individual.

There are lots of things that increase attraction circumstantially: rejection, obstruction, distance, unobtainability, uncertainty, mystery, emotional polarization etc.

These things tend to increase attraction whether we like it or not, it's just the way that attraction works.

The fundamental romantic misunderstanding is believing that your attraction is for the actual person in instead of understanding that your attraction is a response to the circumstances around that person.

It's really really important to exercise careful discernment in the dating process.

Ask yourself why am I attracted to this person? Is it because of her virtues or his sense of humor or her beauty or his drive or her sweetness characteristics that actually inhere in the other person?

Or do I keep thinking about this person because he hasn't responded to my texts or she's playing hard to get or he turned me down or she gave me mixed signals?

If you are more attracted to the circumstances around the person than the person him or herself you may end up with somebody that you's not actually attracted to.

Then you're either going to create drama in the relationship in order to keep the feeling alive or you're going to walk away from that relationship having wasted your time.

When it comes to attraction you have to look real closely to see the truth.