People Are Disappointing: Embracing Imperfection for Improved Relationships

Dr. Orion Taraban introduces the concept that "people are disappointing" as an inescapable phenomenological experience of being human. He argues that while humans are interdependent and essential for societal functioning, they simultaneously present opportunities for strife, conflict, and disappointment. This inherent flaw stems from individuals inevitably revealing dark, flawed, or undesirable parts of themselves, a reality that applies universally, including to oneself from an objective perspective. The core argument is that accepting this fundamental human imperfection is crucial for navigating interpersonal relationships with less frustration.

The podcast distinguishes between active malice or cruelty and the more common experience of encountering mere differences in preferences, priorities, values, and opinions. It highlights that even "all virtuous people" will inevitably come into conflict if their virtues are not prioritized to the exact same degree, illustrating that conflict isn't solely a result of moral failing but often a disparity in the prioritization of competing goods. A key philosophical distinction is drawn between being a "subject" to oneself and an "object" to everyone else, emphasizing that from an objective viewpoint, each person is largely an object, making their flaws more apparent to others.

The practical insight offered is to adjust expectations, advising listeners "not to really expect more of other people than they're able to deliver." By incorporating this understanding into the "calculus of dealing with other people," individuals can significantly reduce the likelihood and intensity of frustration. The analogy of a seller expecting a certain percentage of goods to be stolen is used to illustrate this proactive acceptance of inevitable negative outcomes, suggesting that anticipating disappointment can prevent being "up in arms" when it occurs.

This perspective offers a profound shift from an idealistic view of human interaction to a more realistic and accepting one. By acknowledging the inherent imperfections and potential for disappointment in others, individuals can cultivate greater resilience and equanimity in their relationships. The broader implication is that this acceptance is not about cynicism but about fostering healthier, more sustainable connections by managing one's own emotional responses to the unavoidable complexities and challenges of human interaction, ultimately improving overall well-being and relational harmony.

"people are disappointing this is one of the inescapable phenomenological experiences of being a human being"

"we need other people and yet other people create the opportunity for strife for alienation for disagreement conflict indifference and cruelty"

"other people no matter how if you look at them closely enough will inevitably over time reveal parts of themselves that are dark flawed and otherwise undesirable"

"you are the subject only to yourself you are the object to everybody else"

"in the vast majority of cases we simply encounter a difference of preferences priorities values and opinions"

"even two all virtuous people will also inevitably on some level come into conflict with each other if their various virtues aren't prioritized to the exact same um degree with each other"

"it might be helpful not to really expect more of other people than they're able to deliver"

"if you potentially begin to like say calculate this into the the calculus of dealing with other people you're you're much less likely to encounter uh frustration"

"it's sort of like assuming if you're selling goods that a certain percentage of them are going to be stolen that's just kind of inevitable"